My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I checked into jail on foursquare
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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