No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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