"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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