it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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