census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
