found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
