goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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