We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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