saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
