She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
