Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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