I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It was confusing and full of hummus
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
