Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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