White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
