i don't like sucking hair
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
