It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
