I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
