My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
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