Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
