I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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