I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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