fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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