I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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