I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
