people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
