I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
