he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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