ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
