It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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