i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
