i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
