I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
