lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
