even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
