I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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