he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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