I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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