two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
