Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
