her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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