i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
