you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
