i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
