After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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