I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
