apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
