I just gift wrapped bread.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
