the condom got lost in my hair
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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