does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Randomize
