Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
