She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
