My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
